Grinning Malice

Many of us start our day in pretty much the same way. At about 6:30 in the morning, your blaring blow horn goes off, waking up practically everyone in the house. You shut it off and continue to sleep for another half hour. In a half drunk like stupor you make your way to the bath, brush your teeth, shower and admire yourself for ten minutes. You then get into your Calvin Klein GQ ensemble, a Ermenegildo Zegna necktie, the Bulgari watch – your New Year’s gift to yourself and as a final touch you spiff on some of that lovely Davidoff fragrance. Women of course spend an extra hour with Mary Kay’s ninety-nine colours while deciding whether the blue MNG top or the blue Guess top would go with the black pin-stripped skirt; wait maybe we might go with pants today but if we do then we would have to decide on a different top. The smart ones spend their time debating with the closet the night before. Armed with the latest Nokia N70, you hop into your 2000cc internal combustion engine and ride off into the sun for another hard day at work. You battle through traffic, curse every driver on the road while listening to some half wit radio deejay, miss breakfast and bursting into office with a mood that could sink the Titanic.

Welcome to the real world.
I had recently found myself in a rather difficult predicament – unemployment. For those of you who have never been through it I do not recommend it unless you have already sorted out your monthly fifty thousand Ringgit of passive income. Some of you would think that you have been through this stage like some war hero out of our Neo-Roman empire. I do not believe that you could truly understand the gravity of such a situation unless you have had experienced it for at least 2 months after you depleted all your backup funds. I suffered four gruelling months with no source of income except borrowed money from friends whom began seeing less of me. So there I was a Ronin – a masterless Samurai seeking employment anywhere he can find it.
It was towards the end of March 2003, after a rather wet evening caused by the winds blowing in from the West. Andrew had just flown in from Germany two weeks before and he and I were having a casual chat about all sorts of stuff over teh-tarik at the local mamak. We got to talking about my previous work experiences and I told him of how only after leaving the agency had I noticed a significant difference between the promoters trained at the agency I used to work with as compared to all other promoters. It was a point that was brought to my attention on several occasions by the promoters I had previously trained. On one occasion I was hanging out with five girls when we were approached by promoters from another agency promoting a mentholated brand of cigarettes. Four of the five whom I was with had been previously trained as promoters by yours truly. We did not make a purchase; in fact we were not in the least enticed even though it was a rather good offer. As the cigarette girls left us, the one girl who had never worked with me before made a comment – “They were so unfriendly. No smiles at all.” Someone else continued about how they were trained to smile and of how much I had pressed on the topic of smiling during my training sessions. A week later, I made a casual visit to the agency and met up with several team supervisors of whom I had the pleasure of working with. I made a joke about forgetting everything related to promotions and my previous job there when one of them replied, “But I am sure that you had not forgotten to smile, right?” Well that got my attention. Since then I had been observing.
It has been said that we Malaysians are friendly people. We are always there to help. And we always have a smile. To all you urbanites out there, this may possibly be farther from the truth than Katmandu is from us. I find it strange that in a country whose culture is the child of a multi-racial community busting with history of brotherhood and unity, the smile is more of a rarity than diamonds on the sidewalk.

Have we all forgotten the most basic human communication tool?
No – not the Motorola L7 or the Nokia N70.
Have you noticed how a person reacts when you smile at them?
They almost always stiffen up like a gladiator in the arena. It's almost as if they are worried you have something up your sleeves or that you are somewhat senile and so they grip hard on the hilt and raise their shields up to their nose. And how can you blame them. Society it seems have lost all characteristics of good honest living that any avenue to make a buck is used and abused. I am certain that at some point in your life, you would have been told by a parent or teacher not to smile at strangers, “You cannot be too friendly with people” and the most common is “You cannot trust anyone”. I know many people who grew up thinking this and even worse transferring this somewhat distorted lesson in life to the next generation. What started off as a statement of caution have grown into a beastly excuse to trample over the weak and the more forgiving kind-hearted minority. Survival of the fittest has evolved into “All for one and more for me”. I believe that the adoption of selfish values caused a chain reaction that had eventually led to the paralysis of the smile. It has even got to a point where greetings are about as familiar to the common urbanite as is haggis.

At work, a smile is consider inappropriate and yet your boss would query your performance and passion with such a question as, "Aren't you happy working here?"
Happy? Am I HAPPY?
How can anyone possibly be happy at a place where smiling is considered unprofessional?
The mere act of it would send brutal thoughts of distrust, scandal and malice. Yet that is what is expected of us when meeting with clients? The smile is only a means to an end. Nothing more. Do you remember the last time someone smiled at you? I mean really smiled – pure, innocent, friendly and honest. Did that not make blood rush to your face leaving a warm fuzzy feeling in size you and the sudden courage to take on a little bit more of a bad day at work? How does it make you feel when your loved one smiles from across a crowded floor of strangers at you? Doesn’t a picture of a child smiling make you melt and go, “Awww! So cute!”?
Or have we simply forgotten how to smile?

Too many a times have I walked into convenience stores, fast-food restaurants, hotels, cafes and such only to be greeted with eyes that say, "Why are you bothering me?"

Do these people not realize that it is their job to entertain the needs of the people who patronize the establishment? My personal experience had revealed that in the many industries I had work with, the lack of friendliness often reflects the management's true image.
I used to tell every promoter to smile till their teeth fall off. In fact every time I walked into a 7-Eleven or a fast-food restaurant, I would greet the person at the counter with a smile. It was so uncommon for customers to smile, much less greet them, that I would get confused looks on their faces every time. I used to do this for fun and I would encourage the habit with the promoters too.
Why is it so difficult to smile at someone much less return the gesture? I have known managers and executives who felt it was inappropriate to smile at the office. I think that some of you out there need to evaluate how you interpret a smile. Do you think that a smile makes you look stupid? Or maybe you think a smile is a waste of time. How much does it cost to smile? How much time does it take?

The next time you spend that ten minutes with the man in the mirror – smile. Has frowning or cursing ever made your day any better? Instead of cursing that typical lady driver, smile at her. Who knows you might just meet her some place else one day and get a date, just because you smiled. Is it so dangerous to smile at you office colleagues? The next time you get angry, just smile. Smile every chance you get.
As you face your day tomorrow think about the worse thing that could possibly happen to you – getting fired from your job, a car wreck, a tsunami, a piano dropping on your head. How much would a smile cost you if you were going to die tomorrow? Would you not like to see one before you go?

A frown almost certainly gets you nowhere
A scream and a riot would only scare
But a smile on your face today
Would most certainly make someone’s day

-

I Am Spartacus

I Am Spartacus

Last night I was watching a Tom Hanks movie titled That Thing You Do. The lead character Gus kept saying “I am Spartacus” every time he achieved something new. I thought about that phrase as it brought back some memories. It was around 25 years ago when I first watched the 1960 Stanley Kubrick production of Spartacus with Kurt Douglas and Lawrence Olivier in the lead roles. The most memorable scene in that movie was when the Romans had captured Spartacus’s militia and the captain of the Roman army wanted to know who was Spatacus. What happened next was not an awkward silence, nor finger pointing, not even an investigation to discover whom Spatacus was but instead every person who fought beside the man stood up and said “I am Spartacus”. Around 6000 slaves were crucified naked from Capua to Rome.

Why would someone want to take the place of a condemned man? How did a slave who turned into a gladiator gain more respect and loyalty than the Emperor of Rome did from his nation? Why did he have so much respect and loyalty?

I believe that each of us have a God given gift that makes us who we are. Each of us have the capacity to do great things and yet, so many do not. We’d each like to think of ourselves as individuals but when I looked at my life and those around me, I truly wonder if that were so. Everyone wakes up in the mornings to go to work. Everyone fights the traffic daily. Everyone fears their boss, dislikes their colleagues, hates their work environment and would like to strangle their clients. Everyone is frustrated with their own lives and yet nobody does anything about it. All we do is gather at the local pub or coffee shop and collectively complain about each other’s lives. We do the same thing over and over and we expect different results.

Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

In the Disney animation Mulan, Captain Li Shang who was training new recruits gave them a challenge that would determined when the recruits would be ready for war. They were given two heavy discs which had cloth running through the discs. The task was to climb to the top of a 30 feet pole with the weights. The recruits trained very had everyday to build strength so that they could complete this challenge but no one could. Everyday someone would take the weights tie them to their bodies and attempt to climb the pole. Everyday they were disappointed. The recruits grew weary and tired as training got tougher and morale was being destroyed with each attempt at the pole. Everyone hated the General who was really tough. Everyday they would sit and complain that the General had asked them to do the impossible. How can you add another fifty kilos of weight and climb a pole? Finally, Mulan changed her perspective and instead of tying the weights to her own body she looped the weights to each other to form a tight rope that supported her climb up the pole instead of weighing her down. She took the problem and made it and opportunity. You see, the general wanted to produce the best unit in the military and he knew that physical training alone was not sufficient. He wanted his troops to be able to think differently and try new things. He wanted a team of problem solvers instead of whiners. I once read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. I think that makes perfect sense.

During 73BC through 71BC Spartacus did what every gladiator did not believe in. Spartacus was unlike every other gladiator, he was a great leader and a great warrior. He valued and respected his fellow gladiators even though he knew that one day they would fight him to the death. As Gladiators and slaves they were all doomed to die for the amusement of Roman aristocrats. Spartacus started to wonder why was it that with more well trained gladiators than the number of guards their master had, nobody ever thought of breaking out. Most of the Gladiators were stronger, taller and more experienced in combat than the men who ruled them. When he first spoke of this, his friends told him not to think that way for it could get them killed, however, Spartacus eventually lead thousands of slaves and their families toward freedom. He dreamt of it and wanted to leave Rome for France. He wanted a future with no slaves and no masters, simply people with equal rights and opportunities. He had big dreams and he did not let anyone take them from him.

His ethics and principals gained him loyal men who were willing to take his place on death-row. In the movie when the slave army was captured, everyone knew that if the Romans found Spartacus they would torture and humiliate him in public and that would destroy everything he represents. The Romans wanted to persecute Spartacus without making him a hero but rather an example of what would happen to those who would even think of rebelling against the Roman Empire again. The slave army did not give him up nor did they allow him to surrender instead they stood up one by one saying, “I am Spartacus”.

What Spartacus did was above and beyond the call of duty. He could have just saved himself and lived a freeman. Instead he allegedly took with him more than ninety thousand slaves and had the Roman Empire hunting him across the country. Spartacus had done what most people would not – he stopped thinking about himself and made a difference. Many of us would shy from extraordinary and settle for comfortable because we are too afraid of change. So we go on each and everyday of our lives repeating what we do and praying for a break.

Extraordinary people do what common people won’t do. Doing uncommon things brings uncommon results. Think about that.

Personally, I don’t want to be common. I don’t want to be like everybody. I want to be Lance Amstrong who won seven Tour de France Championships in a row even when doctors said that he can never cycle professionally again. I want to be Sir Edmund Hillary who climbed the highest mountain when the world said he wanted to do the impossible. I want to be Mulan, a woman in a man’s army who saved an empire. I want to be Spartacus and take on a tyrant emperor and lead thousands of slaves to freedom. I want to make a difference not only in my life but in the lives of people around me. I want to achieve things that people say is out of my league. I want to do the impossible and look into the eyes of those who mock and laugh at my dreams and say, “I AM SPARTACUS”.

A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.

FYI

Spartacus was a Roman slave, who led a large slave uprising in what is now Italy, (then the Italian Peninsula), during 73 BC-71 BC. His army of escaped gladiators and slaves defeated many Roman legions, in what is known as the Third Servile War, one of the three slave rebellions of ancient Rome. This war was also known as the "Gladiator War".

The Disney movie “Mulan” is based on the Chinese legend of Hua Mulan. The earliest accounts of the legend state that she lived sometime around 386AD and 534AD. The story can be traced back to The Ballad of Mulan. One myth had Yang, the second Sui Dynasty Emperor, repeatedly requesting Mulan to be a concubine after he found out his prized general was a woman. She refused and committed suicide. The Emperor held a funeral with honours for Hua Mulan. The story was expanded into a novel during the late Ming Dynasty (1368-1644).

Lance Armstrong is most famous for recovering from cancer to subsequently win the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times—1999 to 2005. Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had metastasized, spreading to his lungs and brain. His doctors told him that he had about a 50 percent chance of survival. After his recovery, one of his doctors told him that his actual odds of survival had been considerably smaller (one even went as far as to say three percent), and that he had been given the estimate primarily to give him hope.

Edmund Percival Hillary was born on July 20, 1919 in New Zealand. He and Tenzing Norgay reached the 29,035 foot (8850m) summit on May 29, 1953 at 11:30 a.m. local time.

For more information visit http://en.wikipedia.org

No Signal Light

This image is a property of Inmagine.com

It was almost 1:30 am on a very early Wednesday morning a month ago. I was driving from Desa Sri Hartamas on my way home. I shifted to a lower gear as I moved into the left lane heading towards Eastin Hotel. The traffic light turned green I increased pressure on the accelerator. Just as I passed the traffic lamp, a Kelisa makes a break at the red light, against traffic and on a collision course with me. I jammed on the breaks as I swerve as left as I possibly could without slamming into the wall; all the while hoping the car behind me does the same without smashing into my rear. I evaded the head-on collision, a wall and a rear-ending all in less than two seconds and twenty feet. The other car proceeds towards on coming traffic, stops at the traffic lamp I just passed, makes a three point turn and zaps past me against another red light. Talk about a suicide mission and pickles for a brain. What was even more amazing was how the other drivers just continued on their journey like nothing happened.

Driving in Malaysia is certainly an arduous and dangerous affair. I swear that if you can drive in Malaysia, you can drive anywhere in the world. Not too long ago, several friends on mine were having a discussion about how Malaysian drivers don’t use their signal lights. The general consensus is that the function of the signal lights evades typical Malaysian drivers as most tend to switch it on at the very moment they make a turn or after. There are of course the exceptionally intelligent few who signal left just before they turn right and vice versa. However, we estimate that only 30% of the driving population are actually aware of the device which explains why the local radio stations initiated a “Signal Light Awareness” Campaign.

This is just one of many problems. Over the years I have discovered many more issues with our driving habits and I have learnt that they are caused by various illnesses.

Image above is a property of Frank & Ernest. Art by Bob Thaves.

Following are some of those illnesses that have thus far been identified:
Short-term Memory Loss –Nothing serious here. Victims temporarily forget their keys and sometimes the location of their motor vehicle. Several sessions with a hypnotist should solve the problem.

Long-term Memory Loss – Often affects women and senior citizen. Victims have been known to forget the use of brakes and clutch. They are also known to loose all memory of a spare tyre. The only cure developed does not work for senior citizens. It involves heavy reading and notes taking of the motor vehicle’s manual.

4 Digit – This peculiar illness strikes without warning. Victims suffer from a sudden loss of motor skills and are often fixated on a 4 digit number on vehicles that have just been in an accident.

Kryptonian Super Flu – This virus can be traced back to 1979 in the United States when Hollywood released a man-made bacteria that was supposed to enhance and improve the mood of the public. The bacteria evolved in to a super flu that seems to affect only motorcyclist. Victims of this bacteria would stretch out on a motorcycle at very high velocity like a flying superhero. No cure was ever developed however the symptoms seem to fade with maturity or the lost of a limb.

Initial-D Syndrome A – This mental illness was initiated by a government experiment with flashing lights. Sometime in the 80s several racer came to realise that regular drivers automatically move out of the way for vehicles that have flashing lights such as police escorts, ambulance and fire engines. This epidemic broke out in the 90s and the flashing yellow lights became a general unwritten rule for regular drivers to move out of the way for such cars or face the consequences. Symptoms: free advertising for Recaro, Nismo, West, Zigen

Initial-D Syndrome B – This particular version of the illness can be traced back to the 1990 release of our national car, the Proton Saga. The price of this car caused much excitement with the public and many developed this mental illness that was discovered by Dr. Imus Ravup in 1993. As this car was much cheaper than imported vehicles, owners developed uncontrollable urges to upgrade and modify their car to the extent that wiring for a signal light system shutdown completely. Symptoms: Same as Initial-D Syndrome A plus constant need to blast sound systems beyond reasonable hearing levels, flashing blue landing lights.

IPS-IV or Indestructible Personality Disorder E – This is a mental illness that affects motorists with E license grade (truck drivers). Victims of this disorder lose peripheral vision while driving leading them to believe that they are the only ones on the road. This illness can only be cured by removing the E license from the victim’s identity permanently.

IPS-III or Indestructible Personality Disorder B3 – Similar to IPS-IV affecting only motorists with B3 license grade (motorcyclist below 100cc). Victims of this disorder develop an identity crisis leading them to believe that they have similar racing abilities as Wayne Rainey. This illness cannot be cured. One can only hope that it would fade with time.

IPS-II or Indestructible Personality Disorder B2 – This mental illness affect motorist with B2 license grade (motorcyclist up to 250cc). This is an enhanced version of IPS-II. Victims of this disorder further develop their identity crisis to actually believing they are on a race track racing for their lives. Symptoms include constant euphoria while on the motorcycle, loss of peripheral vision and reasoning, and colour blindness. At this level the only hope for a cure is a procedure developed by the late Dr. Alcrash which involves limb removal via high trauma impact. The side effect of this procedure is that the Wayne Rainey identity sets in permanently.

IPS-I or Indestructible Personality Disorder A – This is the most feared of IPS as it is contagious. This mental illness can affect any motorists. Symptoms include extreme bad breath, vomiting, loss of cognitive skills, colour blindness, Hercules rash and increase aggressiveness (violent temperaments have been recorded). Victims have been known to drive through walls and over cliffs where available. There is no permanent cure for IPS-I. Recommendation: Avoid alcohol.

Down Syndrome Parkingson – Early symptom: sitting for driving test more than twice after paying the bribe and received driving license without a test. Down Syndrome patients have been known to place their motor vehicle in a position that would obstruct traffic and often taking two parking space for their motor vehicle. They need a space ratio of 50:1 in order to manoeuvre their vehicle. Patients have also been known to loose hearing especially when blocking other vehicles in their parking lots. Cure: There is no cure for stupidity.

If you are fortunate not to suffer from these illnesses then you will most certainly benefit from the information I am about to provide you with. It is a summary of the experiences I gained from riding shotgun for three years and being at the helm for the last sixteen. You see, I went to a very bad driving school (as they all are) when I first took the wheel. Fortunately I have understood the rules of driving since then and have decided that it should be shared with all.

• You always have the right of way.
• Courtesy is for the blind.
• Speed demonstrates Greatness.
• Flashy blue lights are vehicular essentials.
• Seatbelts are optional accessories.
• “One Way Street” signs are merely decorative initiative by Town Council.
• The safe driving distance from the car in front of you is one foot.
• The rear-view mirror is there for you to put on your makeup and check your hair.
• Signal lights informs other drivers that you have gone spastic and to prevent you from turning into the indicated direction.

Junctions

• Always wait for on-coming traffic before coming out of a junction.
• When driving out of a junction, drive to the outer most lanes where on-coming traffic that may have you in their blind-spot can crash into you and hence claim insurance for upgrades.

Traffic lights

• Green means Go,
• Red means Stop,
• Yellow means Go Faster.
• After alcohol consumption: Red is a nice lipstick colour.

Parking

• Vehicles above 1600cc may take up two parking bays.
• When parking space is unavailable, park anywhere that attracts the most attention; such as in the middle of the road. This way other drivers must stop to admire your vehicle.
• Priority parking for revved-up, turbo-charged engines.
• Traffic laws do not apply to racers and drifters.
• Road dividers are parking space for 4x4 vehicles.
• After alcohol consumption: Vertical Parking is an option.

In an accident

• It is never your fault. You are a perfect driver.
• First check damage on car structure
• Next check engine,
• Third check sound system,
• Forth self-examination; ensure all limbs are intact,
• Fifth notify parents that they need to purchase for you the new Evo VIII,
• Followed by calls to all gangster friends and police connections,
• Finally, if time permits, check if your passengers are still alive.

Note: If at this point you still do not get the point (yes YOU!); kindly lookup the words satire and sarcasm.

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