No Signal Light

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It was almost 1:30 am on a very early Wednesday morning a month ago. I was driving from Desa Sri Hartamas on my way home. I shifted to a lower gear as I moved into the left lane heading towards Eastin Hotel. The traffic light turned green I increased pressure on the accelerator. Just as I passed the traffic lamp, a Kelisa makes a break at the red light, against traffic and on a collision course with me. I jammed on the breaks as I swerve as left as I possibly could without slamming into the wall; all the while hoping the car behind me does the same without smashing into my rear. I evaded the head-on collision, a wall and a rear-ending all in less than two seconds and twenty feet. The other car proceeds towards on coming traffic, stops at the traffic lamp I just passed, makes a three point turn and zaps past me against another red light. Talk about a suicide mission and pickles for a brain. What was even more amazing was how the other drivers just continued on their journey like nothing happened.

Driving in Malaysia is certainly an arduous and dangerous affair. I swear that if you can drive in Malaysia, you can drive anywhere in the world. Not too long ago, several friends on mine were having a discussion about how Malaysian drivers don’t use their signal lights. The general consensus is that the function of the signal lights evades typical Malaysian drivers as most tend to switch it on at the very moment they make a turn or after. There are of course the exceptionally intelligent few who signal left just before they turn right and vice versa. However, we estimate that only 30% of the driving population are actually aware of the device which explains why the local radio stations initiated a “Signal Light Awareness” Campaign.

This is just one of many problems. Over the years I have discovered many more issues with our driving habits and I have learnt that they are caused by various illnesses.

Image above is a property of Frank & Ernest. Art by Bob Thaves.

Following are some of those illnesses that have thus far been identified:
Short-term Memory Loss –Nothing serious here. Victims temporarily forget their keys and sometimes the location of their motor vehicle. Several sessions with a hypnotist should solve the problem.

Long-term Memory Loss – Often affects women and senior citizen. Victims have been known to forget the use of brakes and clutch. They are also known to loose all memory of a spare tyre. The only cure developed does not work for senior citizens. It involves heavy reading and notes taking of the motor vehicle’s manual.

4 Digit – This peculiar illness strikes without warning. Victims suffer from a sudden loss of motor skills and are often fixated on a 4 digit number on vehicles that have just been in an accident.

Kryptonian Super Flu – This virus can be traced back to 1979 in the United States when Hollywood released a man-made bacteria that was supposed to enhance and improve the mood of the public. The bacteria evolved in to a super flu that seems to affect only motorcyclist. Victims of this bacteria would stretch out on a motorcycle at very high velocity like a flying superhero. No cure was ever developed however the symptoms seem to fade with maturity or the lost of a limb.

Initial-D Syndrome A – This mental illness was initiated by a government experiment with flashing lights. Sometime in the 80s several racer came to realise that regular drivers automatically move out of the way for vehicles that have flashing lights such as police escorts, ambulance and fire engines. This epidemic broke out in the 90s and the flashing yellow lights became a general unwritten rule for regular drivers to move out of the way for such cars or face the consequences. Symptoms: free advertising for Recaro, Nismo, West, Zigen

Initial-D Syndrome B – This particular version of the illness can be traced back to the 1990 release of our national car, the Proton Saga. The price of this car caused much excitement with the public and many developed this mental illness that was discovered by Dr. Imus Ravup in 1993. As this car was much cheaper than imported vehicles, owners developed uncontrollable urges to upgrade and modify their car to the extent that wiring for a signal light system shutdown completely. Symptoms: Same as Initial-D Syndrome A plus constant need to blast sound systems beyond reasonable hearing levels, flashing blue landing lights.

IPS-IV or Indestructible Personality Disorder E – This is a mental illness that affects motorists with E license grade (truck drivers). Victims of this disorder lose peripheral vision while driving leading them to believe that they are the only ones on the road. This illness can only be cured by removing the E license from the victim’s identity permanently.

IPS-III or Indestructible Personality Disorder B3 – Similar to IPS-IV affecting only motorists with B3 license grade (motorcyclist below 100cc). Victims of this disorder develop an identity crisis leading them to believe that they have similar racing abilities as Wayne Rainey. This illness cannot be cured. One can only hope that it would fade with time.

IPS-II or Indestructible Personality Disorder B2 – This mental illness affect motorist with B2 license grade (motorcyclist up to 250cc). This is an enhanced version of IPS-II. Victims of this disorder further develop their identity crisis to actually believing they are on a race track racing for their lives. Symptoms include constant euphoria while on the motorcycle, loss of peripheral vision and reasoning, and colour blindness. At this level the only hope for a cure is a procedure developed by the late Dr. Alcrash which involves limb removal via high trauma impact. The side effect of this procedure is that the Wayne Rainey identity sets in permanently.

IPS-I or Indestructible Personality Disorder A – This is the most feared of IPS as it is contagious. This mental illness can affect any motorists. Symptoms include extreme bad breath, vomiting, loss of cognitive skills, colour blindness, Hercules rash and increase aggressiveness (violent temperaments have been recorded). Victims have been known to drive through walls and over cliffs where available. There is no permanent cure for IPS-I. Recommendation: Avoid alcohol.

Down Syndrome Parkingson – Early symptom: sitting for driving test more than twice after paying the bribe and received driving license without a test. Down Syndrome patients have been known to place their motor vehicle in a position that would obstruct traffic and often taking two parking space for their motor vehicle. They need a space ratio of 50:1 in order to manoeuvre their vehicle. Patients have also been known to loose hearing especially when blocking other vehicles in their parking lots. Cure: There is no cure for stupidity.

If you are fortunate not to suffer from these illnesses then you will most certainly benefit from the information I am about to provide you with. It is a summary of the experiences I gained from riding shotgun for three years and being at the helm for the last sixteen. You see, I went to a very bad driving school (as they all are) when I first took the wheel. Fortunately I have understood the rules of driving since then and have decided that it should be shared with all.

• You always have the right of way.
• Courtesy is for the blind.
• Speed demonstrates Greatness.
• Flashy blue lights are vehicular essentials.
• Seatbelts are optional accessories.
• “One Way Street” signs are merely decorative initiative by Town Council.
• The safe driving distance from the car in front of you is one foot.
• The rear-view mirror is there for you to put on your makeup and check your hair.
• Signal lights informs other drivers that you have gone spastic and to prevent you from turning into the indicated direction.

Junctions

• Always wait for on-coming traffic before coming out of a junction.
• When driving out of a junction, drive to the outer most lanes where on-coming traffic that may have you in their blind-spot can crash into you and hence claim insurance for upgrades.

Traffic lights

• Green means Go,
• Red means Stop,
• Yellow means Go Faster.
• After alcohol consumption: Red is a nice lipstick colour.

Parking

• Vehicles above 1600cc may take up two parking bays.
• When parking space is unavailable, park anywhere that attracts the most attention; such as in the middle of the road. This way other drivers must stop to admire your vehicle.
• Priority parking for revved-up, turbo-charged engines.
• Traffic laws do not apply to racers and drifters.
• Road dividers are parking space for 4x4 vehicles.
• After alcohol consumption: Vertical Parking is an option.

In an accident

• It is never your fault. You are a perfect driver.
• First check damage on car structure
• Next check engine,
• Third check sound system,
• Forth self-examination; ensure all limbs are intact,
• Fifth notify parents that they need to purchase for you the new Evo VIII,
• Followed by calls to all gangster friends and police connections,
• Finally, if time permits, check if your passengers are still alive.

Note: If at this point you still do not get the point (yes YOU!); kindly lookup the words satire and sarcasm.

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